fertility file #3

Just got back from spending some time with my doc. So, because my uterus has been untouched with all this, we don't have to wait for "baby makin' time". So, more fertility drugs, but this time I received more instructions. Sex instructions. My doc's sense of humor runs in a different direction.
My daughter swallowed a trucker who drives something with a huge diesel engine. Well, that's what she sounds like. Yeah, she has a cold.

Dream a little dream with me.

So, last night I had a dream that I was bowling on an aircraft carrier in bunny slippers, you know, like you do, then I was interviewing Oprah about the visual differences between alligators and crocodiles while trying to figure out the time space continuum and how that affects interstellar space. Maybe I should go to bed earlier. Maybe not.
Potty training day 25: The joys of reading during her "alone time" have just been discovered. I may never see my daughter or our bathroom again.

I have a secret...

I have a Boyfriend. Well, he's also my husband, but he's my Boyfriend. I don't call him Snookums, or Schmoopie, or Hot Piece of Man Meat, nope his name is Boyfriend. And because I've called him Boyfriend for forever it's the only thing he answers to. Calling out his name in a crowded public setting and I find that there are others. But this one is mine.My daughter doesn't drink milk, I know right? She gets more interesting with every sentence. But it's true. She'd much rather eat yogurt, which is rated WAY higher on the mess scale.

What's in a name?

I name things. My cyst, every car we've ever owned, our house plants, the list gets longer, trust me. It just makes things easier for reference, I think. For example, "Could you water Marry, she's looking a little bit thirsty?" or "I'm gonna go stick Sassafras Puddinpants in the sun, he's looking droopy.". Onomatophobia has nothing on me.
My poor teething beauty. Only four molars left. Four molars the size of skyscrapers trying to fit inside a mouth the size of a Bungalow.

Friday Follow, followers, followed

I'm hilariously delusional to the point where even paid professionals have stopped laughing. I honestly thought I would be able to go through and read all 800 some odd blogs linked up yesterday. Again, nobody's laughing. I got through 200 something-or-other-large-number and then my arm fell off. My computer's mouse has sticky ball issues.The thing about wicked bed head of epic amplitude is that it can turn even the cutest of Shirley Temple type curls into a train wreck of utter genius.

That's my kinda shade of hue.

My all-time favorite color is Egyptian Blue, hence my wedding dress. My favorite color for which to annoy is Chartreuse (traditional), I should be specific. My favorite color to wear out of the house is Russet. And if I want to be facetious, then I prefer Aubergine. The list of random goes downhill from there.
Climbing. Yeah, we've been there for a while, but every time my daughter has a growth spurt the stunts get more frighting. Early Parkour I think.

and now for something else

Our daughter doesn't eat a lot of sugar, she prefers veggies. Gross I know. Her birthday cake has presented a problem. How to make the perfect cake that tastes like cake that doesn't have a bucket of sugar, and no strawberries. She has an allergy. Our search continues.
Like a heat seeking moisture missile, that's our daughter to our cat when he's sleeping, eating, licking himself, or in the house in general.

Baby Making Battle Scars

I have sustained a few war wounds. First and foremost there's my c-section scar. And from Monday I have three more. There in an incision/scar in my belly button and I have two, one inch scars on either side of my abdomen. I may need to have my attitude quantitatively dissected for future reference.
On teaching our daughter to sing; we can give you the tools, but we seem to have short changed you somewhere on the talent.

My Ectopic Pregnancy

Yesterday I had a laparoscopic salpingectomy. My doc, the one who accurately diagnosed my infertility, the one who got me knocked up with my daughter, was the one who removed my fallopian tube. When I woke the first thing she said was "We get you pregnant in one or two month, okay?". I love her.
So the whopper on my right ovary is a cyst that I have fondly named Saturn Mark II. If they ever need a replacement for the original one they know where to turn.

Rita Mae Brown wrote

that "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results." I already want to start trying again, but I need to speak with a bunch of folks. Why isn't there a team of folks working around the clock on this for me? I should recruit, for Sunday purposes.Understanding that you make a face when a camera is pointed toward you has become the highlight of the month. Even Shutterfly had to laugh.

Hallway Healthcare.

Or, how I spent 9 hours in the ER yesterday. Why are we doing this for you today ma'am? I think I'm having a miscarriage. I'm sorry to hear that ma'am. Me too. We're just going to take this camera and go upside to take a look. Okay. How are you feeling ma'am? Well, I've felt better.So, they're not sure if its an ectopic pregnancy, a huge cyst on my right ovary, or if I'm just having a miscarriage. We'll know Monday with more blood work. Joy.

Award Winner.

The single greatest invention despite what everyone says isn't the printing press. It's the hammock. Even in the winter time it can work wonders at relieving stress, inducing naps, and twisting people up until they can't move a muscle. That's something no printing press I've ever met can do.
'Badadaa' or banana is as fun to say as it is to eat. I guess, I don't see it, but there must be something in the potassium rich fruit that warrants convulsions of joy.

I expected

and anticipated everything but this. I can't even believe it. I'm in shock. Shock and disbelief. Potty training day 11; my daughter's got it. She understands, anticipates and better still, pees in the potty all by herself. What I love is that I don't have to remind her or even be in the room. Again, shock.Homemade play-doh. It's fun for all ages, great for the ears, does wonders for your complexion, makes a great little snack, and can coat books marvelously.

Break out the flip flops...

Its time for homemade ice cream. Aw yeah, I just went there, and I'm going to go there again because it is delicious. Make my breakfast a la mode, hold the well, the everything else except the mode. It's supposed to reach the mid 70's this week. Disgusting, I know.Leaf blowers, helicopters, lawn mowers from the 1980s, gun shots, riots, or any other group togetherness resulting in decibel measurement are strictly forbidden until my babe awakes.

Sleep, it's my favorite color.

Yep. I love sleep, it's one of my favorite past times and I'm damn good at it. I could sleep anywhere, even a hard wood floor. I love it, I'm addicted, a junkie with no will or want to quit. I've found nothing to replace it, as of late. But I'll continue to look for curiosities sake and I'll let you know if anything should present itself.
My toddler has yet to learn the difference between a baby, a kid, and an adult. So for now; old lady walking down the street, point, smile and scream, "BABY!".

What's wrong with you?

My body is in a funk. I'd shake it up, but the results could prove to be disastrous or obstreperousness, if you will. Especially for onlookers, but serves them right for looking in the first place. I need more hobbies, random. I've been thinking about the guitar. More noise is needed. Definitely.
Nothing is harder to explain to a child, then Daylight Savings Time and how that affects them and their nighttime routine. But, "because mama says so" will have to suffice for now.

Ooch!

When an 'oops' turns into an 'ouch' it becomes an 'ooch'. Of course my favorite time to hear this being screamed is when I'm otherwise preoccupied in the 'little girl's room'. This word has become so prolific in our house that it has been daubed an official Scrabble word. And who says cheaters never win?"Ooch, mama, cat. Meow". Loose translation; Sorry mother I just ACCIDENTALLY poked the cat in the eye again and he has retaliated ever so victoriously he thus feels the need to brag about it.

Maybe it's my advanced age...

Well it could be. Oooh, maybe it's my advanced maturity. No, no that can't be it all. Let's stop laughing and regroup (ahem). Maybe... just maybe it's my superior good looks. Okay, I'll just get on with it... am I the only one who can't stand the Twilight series? Seriously. I'll just say it; Anne Rice.
Though unknown to most adults stuff animals are really quite delicious. Well they have to be. I mean why else am I finding them soaking wet. Ieww..... wait.

VICTORY!!!!!

Yep, I really need all those exclamation marks. My daughter, without one word grabbed her potty seat, put it on the floor, sat down on it, and peed. The beauty of it ... I didn't have to say or do a thing. Amazing. And since I'm lazy this works well for me.
Nothing says I love you without saying "I love you" like a big gooey kiss slathered in peanut butter and pickle juice. Nothing.

It's official.....

I'm too nice. Bet you saw that comin' round the corner. I need to learn to say: "no" or not say anything at all. Volunteering myself and my stuff. I know, I know what's the big deal, I'm only going to be re-taring a roof, but still. A girl needs a break once in a while. Ooohh, or a vacation in Hawaii.
Toodles Mc Nakedbum has been holding her bladder. It's amazing. I was trying to win the most stubborn award, but yet again, she's found a loophole. This makes potty training tricky.

Colors of chaos.

I really should be in the backyard right now gardening, but instead I'm here. We're having such delicious March weather. Mmmm its like a chocolate sundae, but instead of a dumb cherry on top its crushed chocolate heath bars ... mmmm. Yeah, March is that delicious.
Meanwhile, back at the potty seat astronomers are baffled as to why there's a full moon out all day long and none to be seen at night.

Eep, splat.

It you angle the potty while their distracted you might be able to catch a couple drops as they whiz past you spraying urine in and around the furniture. Potty training day 4. We've managed to time the peeing with the potty sitting only once. Victory was mine. Till we meet again.
Copious amounts of child literature has imaginary words with equally graphic images that have since warped my mind and now make complete sense. Maybe I need a nap.

Yea, she's a cutie.

My uterus that is. At least all the docs and folks who have been up in my nether-region-lady-business seem to think so. By cute they mean to say small. And by small they mean super tiny. My uterus is super tiny. There I admitted it and admittance is you know a step and stuff.We proudly take requests like pe-pole (pickle), yo yo (yogurt), and my personal favorite, pe-bowl bed (peanut butter and bread).

Day 2

Because if you haven't been peed on by now then you probably haven't come over. Slight technicality I think. Hmm.... this three day method may take well, longer than three days. I should have known by the way my daughter can pee while running away from her potty seat that this might be a little trickier than expected.
Upon realizing that a pancake is a lot like a Frisbee breakfast has quickly climbed the charts as being the most fun meal of the day.

Day 1

So, now may not be a good time for the cat to suddenly allow my babe to ride him like a pony. Potty training has begun. Hmmm, I should find my camera. Poor naked baby buns wiggling their way into a heart near you.
Toddler body language is easy to misinterpret, case in point, downward facing dog = I win. Who knew?

Shoot 'em up!

Our cat is diabetic, yeah you read that correctly. Needles, insulin, the whole shebang. But I've gotten pretty used to it, it's the pharmacist at our local drug store that seems incredibly baffled as to how to advise me on the drug's use when it applies to a fifteen pound feline. And because I know you were wondering, our cat is a Rabbit.
'Di-sore' is known to adults as the worlds scariest stuffed Tyrannosaurus Rex that goes with us everywhere in a curly haired, dipped in pink, cutie faced toddler kinda way.

First Response

Well, put very simply, isn't. It's ironic, though not as ironic as preposterousness, which is much too much fun for one blog post alone. I'm off track. Fun stuff though. No, my first response isn't First Response. I just lack that hormone that makes extra lines on pee sticks. Well, that's not all I'm lacking, but let's save some weeeeeeeeeee for later.
The single best conversation to make strangers stop and look is, "Wh.. What are you doing? Are you taking your pants off? no Are you sure? no Honey, put your pants back on. NO!".

On the concept of temperature

And you can take your basal temperature rectally! I mean its not bad enough that I need medical assistance to make a baby, but that to enhance my knowledge of my bodies functions I have the highly desirable option of shoving something up my butt. First thing in the morning no less. It's a good thing my sense of humor is that of a fainting goat.
And what's up with the need to add special carpet seasoning to applesauce? Drop, smear, lick. This order must be obeyed for optimum flavoring.

The two week wait...

is a lot like watching your clothes dry in the washing machine, while it's still running. Impatient, yes. I have found nothing else to stop time completely in its tracks. They should patent the 'two week wait' to scientists. Stephen Hawking would want to know.

Child labor is awesome. Though the dried kernels of cottage cheese is getting to be a bit much in the cat litter box. Maybe my lists should be more specific.